Have you ever felt that what you were feeling or thinking was being invalidated by friends, family, or loved ones? Have you ever felt cut off from feelings after not having your thoughts or feelings respected? If you answered yes to either of these two questions, then your brain needs you to free the rest of this post for today.
Chronic Invalidation is a Big Problem in Our Present Time
With so much dis and misinformation on social media, and consequently, most other places, it’s becoming an increasing problem that people are experiencing chronic invalidation. They see one thing, and are told another, which invariably takes its toll on the brain and rest of the nervous system. It can create an experience of dissociating from parts of oneself that experience a different reality.
Chronic Invalidation Can Make You Feel That You Are Wrong
When we experience invalidation from friends, loved ones, or caregivers it creates an experience of a divided itself. When it starts early in life, it directly contributes to an experience of dissociation and ‘parts’ that leaves us feeling internally divided, or even at war with ourselves. It’s very adaptive growing up for this dissociation to occur, but it can cause havoc internally when you become an adult. It is also the bedrock experience of trauma when we are ‘not seen or known,’ as the noted psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk was once quoted as saying.
The Impact of Chronic Invalidation in Adulthood
If you’ve experienced chronic invalidation growing up, the dissociation and resulting ‘parts’ of your personality can create a tremendous sense of internal strife. You may have one part of you that thinks and feels one way, and another that feels completely different. This can make it very difficult to move forward in the adult world where we need full access to all of our thoughts and feelings to truly thrive.
Chronic Invalidation and Adult Relationships
If we are in a primary relationship with a partner, an experience of chronic invalidation growing up can lead us to seek relationship partners that are also that way. This is an unconscious pattern that is actually a developmental challenge in disguise. To the extent that your thoughts and feelings were discounted as a child and you have not recovered from this, your adult relationships will almost certainly have echoes from the same experience growing up. The challenge, and the gift if you will, is that you get another chance to get in touch with parts that have been silo in the past that need to be listened to and heard in order to overcome this sometimes crippling experience of the divided self.
Recovering from Chronic Invalidation
The way out of living with a pattern of repeated invalidation is to find ways to get in touch with yourself that are non-shaming and involve self-validation, considering it hasn’t been happening in the past. Finding a trusted family, member or friend, or community member, who is validating can be one of the most important lifelong experiences in starting to get out of it.
What if You Continue to Suffer From Chronic Invalidation?
If you realize that you have been suffering from significant degrees of invalidation in your childhood and/or primary relationships, then it is probably a good idea to seek professional help from a trauma therapist. In addition to being a trained trauma therapist, I am also a relationship expert that can help you to navigate your current situation in order to recover from the effects of lifelong disrespect and emotional abuse and/or neglect. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out the form below, and I will get back to you ASAP to schedule a free individual or couples consultation over the phone or virtually. You owe it to yourself, your family, and your relationships to recover from the effects of lifelong dismissal of your thoughts and feelings. Take the first step and get the help that you need for yourself and your relationships today!
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out how Scott can help you in recovering from chronic invalidation.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.