Do you ever wonder how you might have lost the spark with your spouse or a relationship partner? Do you find yourself wishing that you felt the same about your partner as you did in the early days of your relationship? If you do then it may help to go back to what it was that helped you to feel desire for them in the first place, so please do read on.
The Lack of Emotional Safety and the Death of Desire
At some point, you may have had the subtle or strong awareness dawn on you that your partner is not emotionally safe for you. This is a big issue these days, perhaps more than any other time. We live in an age that’s characterized by emotional dysregulation, and sometimes you may find that you are the main recipient of your partner's emotional upheaval. It’s almost like the old saying you only hurt the ones you love, and it can be ever so true.
Struggles with Emotional Safety and Desire are Natural in Relationships
It is very commonplace to find yourself feeling like you can’t say what you think and really feel around your partner, and this does not owe to a lack of love as much as it does to the struggles with what I’ve come to understand is a partner‘s adapted child. When we start off in our relationships, things can be very warm, spontaneous, and very connecting. This is because somehow we have connected a part of ourselves with our partner’s that is very open, loving, and caring, and compassionate. But at some point, everything changes. It changes because this way of relating can’t last forever, at least not without a lot of work. Inevitably partners revert back to operating from the adaptive child, which is very judgmental, critical, ‘tit for tat,’ and can tap into a lot of negative emotions.
How Desire Dies at the Feet of the Adapted Child
When you relate to each other from your adaptive child ego state, you can feel like there is no love or trust between the two of you. And a simple reason for that is that it takes two adults to have a mature, loving relationship with each other. You have to consciously take on the role of what the famous couples therapist Terry Real calls the “wise adult.“ This is a part of every person's makeup that can allow them to have compassionate curiosity for what’s going on within their partner without judgment. That is when emotional safety can come back to relationships that have been emotional deserts without desire for God knows how long.
What if You Continue to Struggle with Desire in Your Relationship?
Sometimes relationships don’t improve with one partner trying to do all of the heavy lifting, so that’s when it’s important to seek out therapy help for your relationship. I’ve been helping my clients with their relationship struggles for my entire social work career, and can assure you that it’s actually a mark of maturity to seek help for your relationship. Just call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out the inquiry form below for a free 20-minute virtual consultation for you and your partner with me to find out whether I can help you with your relationship if you live in Maryland or Virginia. You have nothing to lose, except for a little bit of time, but you can get the reassurance that you’re doing everything you can to help improve your relationship, regardless of whether your partner comes to the table with you to do therapy or not. Help turn your life and your world around by taking the first step and seek out help today.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with emotional safety and desire.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.