Do you find you and your partner repeatedly butting heads over issues that seem relatively insignificant on the surface? Do you tend to feel “dug in“ when you bring up a particular issue with your relationship partner? Do you find it hard to listen to what they’re saying without thinking of a counter argument or a counterpoint to what they’re saying? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you’re probably stuck in a power struggle and would do well to continue reading.
Power Struggles are Inevitable in Most Relationships
Hardly anyone on the planet has been in a partnered relationship and not encountered a power struggle with their partner at some point. It is a stage of relationship development that most everyone goes through, but some couples tend to get stuck there. If that’s the case, then it can become so much of an issue that a couple could wind up breaking up before they resolve the matter that they’re butting heads about.
What are Power Struggles and How Do They Happen?
A power struggle is where you and your partner are at an impasse over some particular topic or issue. This issue may or may not be important or consequential for the relationship, but the fact that you two are not pushing through it is definitely a significant thing. These experiences are the result of two individuals adapted child ego states being stubborn and not willing to compromise or negotiate to resolve the conflict. The adapted child is kind of a parentified child that lives in each of us, and is largely a result of growing up in a particular family of origin instead of the current situation. Unless this is addressed from a more mature level within each of you, the conflict goes on and on or winds up ending the relationship as a battle of wills.
“To be kind is more important than to be right. Many times what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks, but a special heart that listens.” — Unknown
How to Get Out of Power Struggles
While a power struggle in a relationship is basically two immature aspects of each partner‘s personality getting stubborn and “dug in“ with regard to a particular issue, there is a more mature part of each individual that needs to take the reins when discussing these flashpoint issues with one another. The noted couples therapist and author Terry Real refers to them as the “wise adult“ aspects of each person’s psyche that are more interested in understanding their partner than having their way in the relationship. Taking curiosity and having compassion for what your partner feels and what their viewpoints are is very pivotal to resolving these conflicts. Often it can take professional help to be able to really listen and understand each other so that you can resolve the issue in some cases, however.
There’s No Right or Wrong Party in the Power Struggle
Finally, putting a power struggle to rest is more about understanding and compromising than the other party agreeing about you being right, or vice versa. What got you into the power struggle is not what’s going to get you out of it. Most partners go into the power struggle believing they are right or they are virtuous in the situation, and that needs to be bypassed in order to resolve the conflict. While each person’s experience vantage point is valid, that doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other is wrong.
What if You Are in a Perpetual Power Struggle?
Anyone caught in a perpetual power struggle needs to consult a trained couples therapist or to figure out whether they want to stay or go from the relationship. If this is a form of repeated argument as well, I offer thoughts on this in a previous post on the topic. Regardless, I’ve been helping my clients to navigate these treacherous waters for my entire social work career, and would be happy to talk with you to give you a better idea about whether I can help you in your situation, particularly if you live in Maryland or Virginia. Just call the number at the top, or click the free consult button on the page, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you ASAP to meet with you to get a better idea about whether I can help you in your situation. You deserve to be free of ongoing power struggles in your relationships, as well as to live with as little relationship strife as possible. Take the next best step today!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in breaking free from power struggles.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.