Do you seem to keep having the same arguments with your partner, but just in a different form? Do you feel like you and your partner are stuck in a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat with regard to your conflicts? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you would definitely benefit from reading today’s offering.
Repeated Arguments are What Drives Most Couples Crazy
In an age where so many things are new and cutting edge, what a comfort it is to know that you and your partner get stuck in the same negative relationship cycle over and over again… Not! It just so happens that most people who struggle in their relationships tend to have these repeated arguments over and over again. In fact, that’s probably the main thing that brings people into couples therapy under the guise of “improving communication.”
Repeated Arguments Have Always Been Terribly Common
There are very few couples out there that have not gotten stuck in the cycle of having repeated arguments. Again, as I mentioned above, there are a few things more commonplace than cyclical conflict in the realm of couples discontent. The fact that you struggle with this makes you more the same with other couples all around the world. They’re also couples who simply don’t talk anymore, but that’s usually because they’ve discovered that they’ll just get into that same repeated argument if they start talking with each other. That’s not good either. What couples need is a way to break the cycle of these toxic cycle interactions. And that’s where couples therapy comes in.
How Couples Therapy Helps Break the Cycle of Repeated Arguments
When you enter couples therapy, the couples therapist hopefully takes time to identify where you and your partner keep getting stuck in your interactions. Often it goes back to childhood conflicts that have never been resolved growing up, but continue to persist into adulthood. The goal here isn’t necessarily to focus on your childhood, but pointing out where you may have gotten stuck in your development growing up can help you to draw the distinction between that and now. If your problem basically relates to unmet childhood needs, then empowering you to address those instead of attacking your partner or blaming them for it goes a long way towards resolving the problem. When you have a better understanding of your partner’s developmental challenges, then you can be in a better place to support them in dealing with those and reacting non-defensively also. Good couples therapy goes back-and-forth between these two focuses: one from the present and another from childhood development and upbringing to help resolve the present conflict as well as past developmental trauma.
Take a Time Out From Repeated Arguments
Almost always the initial step in breaking the cycle of repeated arguments is to call a couples “timeout“ to prevent an interaction from going downhill fast. Once you’ve done so, then you give yourself and your partner time to cool off and to utilize some helpful coping skills that you can learn in couples therapy or an individual therapy. This allows both you and your partner to come back to the table later on and address the matter that got one or both of you upset with much cooler heads hopefully. In any case, the part of your personality that was butting heads with your partner needs to take a backseat to a more mature adult way of relating that a trained and gifted couples therapist can help both of you to learn to embody. As I once learned before I got married, committed partnered relationships are more to help you grow up than they are to make you happy.
What If You Keep Struggling with Repeated Arguments?
Again, there’s no one alive who hasn’t gotten tripped up by the cycle of repeated arguments at some point. The time to seek help is when you get a sense that there’s literally no way to break out of this cycle without getting professional help. Chat bots can be great tools, but they can never replace a gifted couples therapist and help you and your partner to identify, contain, and break out of a habitual cycle of conflict with each other. I’ve been helping my clients in their relationships for my entire social work career, and doing it with couples for a number of years now on a regular basis. I’d be happy to talk to you and your partner about how I might be able to help you both in your relationship. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, click the button above, or fill out the form below if you live in Maryland or Virginia. I’ll get back to you ASAP to schedule a free 20 minute consult so you can start working to improve your relationship very intentionally. You, your partner, and your family will surely benefit from not having the constant drain of these toxic cycle conflicts going on.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with repeated arguments.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.