Do you often wonder about why you and your partner have so much difficulty communicating? Do you feel frustrated and defeated because you and your partner just can’t seem to talk about anything of substance in the relationship? Do you often argue about things that seem relatively trivial? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I urge you to read on about what practical neuroscience has to say about what can help you in your partnership.
Relationship Communication Challenges May Have Never Been Greater
We live in a time that is filled with stress and busyness, which consequently leave relationship partners with often very little time to talk about anything of substance. There are so many things that get in the way of talking about what really matters, including children, chores, work, just to mention a few. It can make finding time for substantial relationship communication seem almost impossible to find.
Relationship Communication is a Struggle for Most Everyone
Considering what I just mentioned above, you hopefully understand that relationship communication is a challenge for most couples. This is despite the fact that we know more about how it is best and healthiest to communicate with your partner, our brains are wired such that it can be tremendously difficult to talk to one’s partner when you are emotionally charged. There are some really good ideas about how to work with this, which I will attempt to describe in some detail in the next couple of paragraphs. Even so, knowing these things doesn’t always translate into couples interaction success.
How Neuroscience Relates to Relationship Communication
The author Jill Bolte Taylor recently penned a book that identified four primary characters in our brains, which tend to be housed in certain parts of the brain and can have a profound effect on relationship communication. The first of these, or what she calls character 1 is the computer-like part of our brain that operates in a very adult fashion. It is great at getting things done, but can be very judgmental towards others and oneself. Unfortunately, it is not very well equipped to talk about emotional matters with your partner. Character 2, as she described it, is where all of the bad, sad, and disturbing memories from our childhood are stored. Along with these are all of the unpleasant feelings related to those, including anger, fear, guilt, shame, self loathing, etc. It also is key to how we look at our current life and our partners in particular. It often puts a negative face on our partners when we’re upset at them, too.
The Left Side of Your Brain and Relationship Communication
In her book Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor also talks about two other characters on the right side of the brain. One is Character 3, which is very spontaneous, in the moment, enjoys connection, has great present moment awareness, but can also have explosive anger in certain instances. Character 4, which is the right brain thinking part embodies a capacity for “compassionate curiosity,” which the noted therapist Terry Real explains can also experience connection to others and the universe. It also has an ability to feel gratitude and also much present moment awareness. This part of our brains is probably the most key for relationship communication of all four characters.
How Neuroscience Informs Relationship Communication
In the schematic that I have developed, there are three basic other characters that reside within these four characters. Based on Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy concepts, the main one is called the “wise adult.” This part of us is aligned with Character 4 and some aspects of Character 3 as well while also borrowing a little bit from Character 1 in terms of just being able to formulate positive assertive communication in such a way that you will not be rattled by a partner’s emotional reactivity. The other two characters, the “adapted child,“ and the “wounded child,“ are particularly ill-suited to communicating with a partner. These two “parts“ of ourselves need to be held in check if the other partner is upset emotionally. If neither of you can be in your “wise adult“ mode then taking a couples ‘time out’ for up to a day or more can be important to be able to eventually have relationship communication later on.
What if You Struggle A Lot With Relationship Communication?
I’ve been helping my clients in improving their partners interactions for my entire social work career, and while I don’t have space in this discussion to go into great detail in how to improve your interactions, I would be happy to talk to you if you call the number at the top of the page or fill out an inquiry form below. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible to schedule a 20 minute virtual consult with you and your partner, so you can find out if I would be a good fit for your situation. I have familiarity with both of the models I’ve talked about and am in ongoing training with Terry Reals organization for couples therapy. I can assure you that you have everything to gain by working individually or together to help improve your relationship communication situation. Take the next best step and reach out for the help that you need and you, your partnership, and your family deserve!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with relationship communication.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.