Does your partner tend to make major money decisions without consulting you? Have you walked away from asking questions about your family finances feeling bad about even asking in the first place? Have you caught your partner lying about expenditures they have made, and on multiple occasions? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions you may be dealing with financial infidelity, so please read on.
Financial Infidelity is a Growing Problem
You can read major headlines on any number of news sites that discuss how consumer debt is ballooning as people struggle more and more to afford things in our current economy. That has led to more stress on couples and families, and unless you discuss financial issues in your relationship secrecy can quickly become a problem. This secrecy can breed financial infidelity, which isn’t any less serious even if it doesn’t involve cheating with another person. Like in many other relationship situations, it’s what you don’t know that can hurt you.
Financial Infidelity Has Been Around for a Long Time
The concept of shared finances is as old as couples and families, but for the longest time the male partner wielded all of the earning power in heterosexual relationships. Only in the last 50+ years has there been any degree of equality between spouses, mainly because women entered the workplace more and more in that time. As some women out-earned their male partners, their earning power helped to convey more perceived power in the relationship. Although no gender has a corner on financial infidelity, the ability of female partners to question the spending of their spouses brought to light spending indiscretions by their male partners that had never before been called into question.
How to Spot Financial Infidelity
It all starts with asking questions, hopefully in the context of ongoing dialogue about money within your relationship and family. Depending on whether you get answers that are open and honest, you can allay your suspicions or have them confirmed. If you get defensive answers, are shamed or scolded for asking, or are told flat out lies (do your homework before you call a partner on these), you may very well be dealing with financial infidelity. Some partners have a great deal of difficulty talking about money matters and get defensive or emotional regardless of the question. I’m not talking about this situation, but that often does come to light in the couples I work with. That’s not any kind of cheating, but it does deserve more exploration about how this could relate to family of origin beliefs about money.
What To Do About Financial Infidelity
You need to hold your partner accountable for monetary indiscretions, but in no way does shaming or scolding them like they may have done to you help. As calmly and plainly as you can call attention to the discrepancy between what they say and what is on the credit card or bank statement, or other documentation that you are looking at to highlight the apparent lying. If your partner fesses up to the lie, then they need to be willing to rectify the problem. You are there to support them in being accountable and not letting them off the hook. Some partners do have issues with compulsive spending, and if that is the case they may very well need help in recovering from the problem. There are resources out there that can help, including at least one support group that helps people recover from compulsive spending.
What if Financial Infidelity Is Too Much to Deal With Alone
As a clinician that has dual degrees in both social work and accounting, I have a unique ability to address financial infidelity and the relationship dynamics that go with it. As I mentioned above, there is at least one longtime support group for compulsive spending and debiting (which is more of a problem than ever these days!). I would also be happy to talk to you and your partner about possibly helping you both recover from this form of cheating. Just call my number at the top of the page or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Virginia and I will get back to you to schedule a free 20 minute virtual consult so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you both with this potentially very serious problem. Getting help early can make the difference between eventual recovery from financial devastation or being able to right your ship– your relationship to chart a course to recovery as a couple.
Visit our page on infidelity therapy to find out how Scott can help you recover from financial infidelity as well!
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.