Do you feel like you and your partner hardly ever talk about anything of substance at all anymore? Do you feel like because you’ve been together so long you should be able to talk about important things, but can’t? If you answered yes to either of these two questions, then you’re probably struggling with the silence killer in relationships.
The Deafening Silence in Relationships
Do you ever go out in public and see couples that are just glued to their cell phones or other screens when they’re together and seem to not be interacting at all? It could be a sign of the silence killer in relationships, because if the couple was really interested in interacting, they probably wouldn’t be sitting with their phones in front of them instead of talking. It’s not entirely the technology that’s behind this trend, however.
Many Couples Experience the Avoidance Behavior of Silence
It’s very common for a couple to revert to the avoidance behavior of silence, or not bringing up important issues that need to be discussed. This is a way of coping with conflict that is an old adaptation to things that we’re going on in one’s family growing up, and is the default for many people in their primary relationship.
Silence Kills Faster Than Conflict
The reason that silence kills relationships faster than conflict is that there’s really no discussion at all when the silence sets in. It sometimes happens that after couples have engaged in unproductive conflicts and arguments with each other, that they resort or revert to silence. They both set a negative trend in relationships that breeds contempt and resentment, but the silence is the sign that those negative feelings are building without any means of being resolved.
So at least with the conflict things are getting put out there, although they may not be getting resolved. It’s not that all the contempt is being bottled up. Of course contempt can cause its own harm, but with silence it’s simply simmering and increasing in its volatility underneath the surface.
How to Break the Silence
The answer is simple, but it's not at all easy. It takes a form of communication and a willingness to speak up on behalf of the relationship in order to overcome the silence. I-messages are great, but unless they are spoken when our partner is able to listen to us, as well as when we have a willingness to extend ourselves for the relationship as well as ourselves, they’re likely to not get us the results we want.
Sometimes, even the best assertive communication does not improve the situation, but the main thing is that the partner is speaking up finally.
Breaking the Silence is a Win
When you’re able to speak up for yourself on behalf of the relationship it’s been a win for you. If your partner doesn’t receive it well, then it’s been a mixed day for the relationship. If they can’t respond positively at all, then it’s definitely not been a good day for them. This is the kind of mentality that needs to go into opening up the lines of communication.
What if Breaking the Silence Doesn’t Help
In many situations, a long-standing pattern of avoidance can be difficult to reverse, but that’s the benefit of getting effective couples therapy. Both you and your partner can learn effective ways to speak up for yourselves on behalf of the relationship in order to break the cycle of avoidance and give the relationship a chance to truly grow. Once this begins, then a new trend of communicating and opening up can help your relationship grow in all the ways it was meant to for your individual and relationship fulfillment.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn about how Scott can help you overcome silence and avoid avoidance in your relationship.
