Do you find yourself often feeling envious of others who seem to have grown up with better mothers than you did? Did you grow up with an abusive mother or one that was very loving and doting? If you answered yes to either one of these questions then you may have a mother wound and I encourage you to read on.
Mother Wounds Are Very Common in Our Times
Even though you see others who seem to have happy families and mothers who are better than those you grew up with, that doesn’t mean that the mother wound isn’t a common problem in our society. Mother wounds can happen even in apparently normal families due to issues with imbalances of power between spouses. Women have often taken subservient roles in families going back through the generations, and this has caused problems with child-rearing due to mothers looking to their children to fulfill needs that a spouse would otherwise fulfill.
Mother Wound, Daddy Wound
If it wasn’t a wound from one parent, it could very well be a wound from the other you suffer from. The mother wound tends to occur in situations where the woman tends to be either abusive towards the children, as well as in situations where she is overly doting or somehow dependent on her children. This can arise in situations where the father or other parent is absent either physically or emotionally, but there is a dependent relationship between the mother and child that occurs because of the void that is created by the absence.
How the Trap Can Evolve
In the situation above, one parent can be absent and the child steps in to somehow fill a void in the family. If you’ve ever felt somehow responsible for your mother’s feelings and emotions, you may have fallen into this trap. You didn’t sign up to be a substitute for your father or other parent, but you wound up taking care of your mother’s emotional needs anyway. Anyone who’s been told they’re the only one that really understands their mother by her somehow winds up in this situation.
How to Get Out of the Mother Wound Trap
Awareness is the first step in getting out of the mother wound trap, and realizing that however good your mother may have been, you were cast into a role you really couldn’t fill in the family. Sure, it may have been a necessity for you to do some of the things you did growing up, but you were just a child and really needed parents who could meet your needs instead of the other way around.
Finding Others to Fill the Mother Void
When you realize your mother was a source of wounding as much or more than nurturing, you can start looking for other female figures that are a source of nurturing. These could be teachers, counselors, or other female relatives who have a positive nurturing feminine energy. Spouses aren’t good sources of this because partnered relationships can’t be unconditional in the way that parental relationships are. In any case, being able to focus on these positive female relationships can begin to heal the mother wound in you. Remembering them when you feel the void of a nurturing mother can be an important way of coping.
Getting Professional Help for Mother Wound Trauma
If the mother wound persists, then seeking out therapy help from someone who treats trauma can be indispensable for recovering from this. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and other helpful therapies can aid in healing and recovery. I and other trained trauma specialists want to help, so I support you in getting the help you need to heal and grow.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW-C
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out how Scott can help you in recovering from the mother wound.
