Do you tend to have arguments with your spouse that never seem to resolve? Do you carry lingering hurts or resentment because of unresolved conflicts with your partner? If you answered yes to both of these questions, then this week’s offering is good to read.
Couple’s Conflicts Have Never Been So Consequential
In our present time, relationships have never had the significance that they have now. There’s probably never been a time when more pressure has been put on partnered relationships, mainly because so many other relationships have waned or dimmed in significance.
Relationship Conflict is a Normal Thing
It’s perfectly normal for couples to have conflicts with each other, but what makes conflicts so enormously difficult is when the couple struggles to repair after a conflict or rift with each other. When this happens, there is an increasing relational gulf between the partners and much pain and resentment can crop up in the wake of this situation or in the midst of it.
Here are the 5 reasons that couple’s conflicts never get resolved:
Individualistic thinking. Thinking about yourself apart from the relational biosphere.
Poor childhood modeling. Your parents aren’t to blame for this, but they were your main examples.
Needing to be right.
Too much previous relationship trauma without repair. If there’s a lot of water under the bridge, it’s a big upstream struggle.
Minimizing the conflict. If it feels bad to one or both of you, it is bad.
How to Start Breaking the Toxic Cycle
The very first thing is that if you are engaged in any of the above behaviors, then you need to find a way to stop doing what’s been keeping you and your partner stuck. The old saying ‘you can be right or you can be happy’ should be changed to ‘you can be right or you can be in a relationship.’ Relational living means giving up on who’s right or who’s wrong.
What to Do Instead to Break Out of Conflicts
The main ingredient of a repair attempt is that you or your partner apologizes for the wound that was created because of the conflict. It’s in your best interest to make the effort to apologize for your part, however minimal you think it was.
After that, asking your partner what would help to make it better going forward is an important second part. An apology without an amends is empty, so you are making an offer to do just that with the second part. If they don’t have an idea for the amends, you can offer one yourself.
Other Ways to Implement Repair
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. In the case of a relationship, being able to walk away from a triggering situation with your partner could go a long way towards improving things for the relationship. Having a couples “timeout” can be crucial to allowing both of you to cool off before you come together again to hopefully calmly talk about the matter at hand.
Also, following through on your amends is very important along with not engaging in the same negative behaviors. If your amends are well received then great! If it isn’t, then at least you’ve done your part and it’s been a good day for you despite it not being a good day for your partner and/or the relationship.
What If Repair Continues To Be a Struggle?
When all efforts to help have been exhausted, then it is definitely time to seek professional help. I encourage you to seek out a gifted therapist who is licensed to work in your area. Bringing in an objective third party can be a very critical thing in helping couples repair the wounds they’ve suffered, or to help them decide if ending the relationship is best for both partners.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help with repair after a conflict.