Do you and your partner argue a lot about money? Does it seem like you and your partner tend to have opposite spending habits? If you answered yes to either of these two questions, then I encourage you to read on!
Financial Stress is a Big Issue in Relationships
We live in a time when financial stress affects couples more than at any time in the previous 100 years. Never has there been a time where there has been so much disparity in terms of finances between rich and poor, as well as such a sense of uncertainty about one’s own situation.
Money Issues Are an Age-Old Problem for Couples
There’s an old saying that talks about how when money stress begins love “flies out the window.” Finances, perhaps like no other issue, are a big reason that couples fight and argue.
This can be related to opposite orientations in spending habits, which owe largely to family of origin and your upbringing. And despite it being an age-old problem, it’s especially acute now.
How These Issues Show Up in Couples Therapy
One of the most common vignettes has to do with one or both partners getting into blaming the other for either excessive spending or extreme frugality. These attacks may seem very personal, but they are simply a way to blame your partner for something that’s not their fault.
There’s no one to blame for a particular orientation to money. This is one of the classic losing strategies in couples relationships. The real challenge is to find a way to work with a different orientation such that you both can move forward as a team and you each get your own needs met.
Other Issues That Contribute to Financial Stress for Couples
Some partners struggle with what I would call financial phobia. They tend to get very anxious and freeze up in the face of making major financial decisions. You may find yourself saying that you “can’t do it” in terms of making a major financial decision relating to either investments or big purchase decisions.
This is important to face, and to be able to talk about it with your partner in a way that will not lead to throwing up your hands out of futility, or allowing your partner to engage in some sort of blame game as I mentioned above.
There are some negative thinking patterns that can come into play in your relationship as well. Much financial fear has to do with an attitude of lack which many people struggle with. Some of this is perfectly legitimate, but some individuals can still have this mindset despite being very affluent. This can also be very important to confront as a couple if it is shared so that you can both support each other in finding ways to work as a team in solving problems instead of giving in to a sense of futility.
The Antidote to Struggles Over Money
Instead of focusing on blaming each other for your orientation style to money, try talking about the emotional component of financial stress is critically important. Much of this is rooted in fear of financial insecurity, and being able to talk about your own fears in relation to money is more vulnerable and more important to build a sense of being a team than pointing fingers.
There’s nothing vulnerable about criticism, but emotional vulnerability does need to be the emotional currency of your relationship. That can help your financial prosperity eventually find solid ground.
What if Financial Stress is Making You and Your Partner Miserable?
If you’ve both tried on your own to resolve the financial stress and it’s still interfering with you both relating positively, then I urge you to click on the contact button below if you want to learn more about how couples therapy can help you with this thorny issue.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW–C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in overcoming issues related to financial stress.