Have you ever found yourself being a peacemaker within your family? Do you worry about people that you care about getting upset with you or others in various situations? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then I urge you to continue reading as you may have a problem with fear of conflict escalation.
Fear of Conflict: At An All-time High These Days
There’s probably no time where people have been more afraid of conflict within their relationships and in the world at large than our present time. One noted clinician has called this the “age of emotional dysregulation,“ and that pretty much sums things up. The propensity for conflict may or may not be worse now than it ever has, but considering how fearful people have become after at least 1000 years of cumulative trauma the fear of it has certainly gotten to an all-time high!
What is Fear of Conflict Escalation?
This phenomenon is something that is born in families that have a history of interpersonal conflict. This is the case in homes of alcoholics, or other drug addicts, as well as abusive homes that leave children and other family members traumatized by these experiences of violence. It leaves people feeling that there is more conflict inevitably occurring somewhere down the road, and it leads those who have been affected by it feeling hypervigilant about anything like this happening going forward.
Fear of Conflict Escalation and Relationships
If you’ve grown up in this kind of situation, then you may inadvertently be attracted to relationship partners who have this potential for emotional volatility. This isn’t your fault, but it is a result of family conditioning and predisposition to being drawn to partners that have the same kind of family background as you. You could go so far as saying that your “picker is broken” to this extent, but it doesn’t spell doom for your relationships going forward.
How to Cope with a Peacemaker Role
Many individuals who grow up being peacemakers in their family will tend to put their own needs, wants, and feelings in the background in order to “preserve the peace“ in the relationship. This leads to a pattern of accommodating partners’ behavior that should not be condoned. It’s not that you need to get in their face and argue with them about everything, but you need to give up your role of peacemaking in order to have relationships that work for you. Otherwise, the risk is that you will wind up becoming a doormat for any partner that you wind up getting in a relationship with.
How to Cope with Fear of Conflict Escalation
One of the first things you can do is to realize that your imagined escalating conflicts are a projection from your past experience, and are also a form of catastrophizing. Once you’ve done this, it does become important to engage in some kind of thought-stopping behavior. It involves just saying “Stop!“ out loud to yourself and doing that as much as you need to to be able to keep your negative thoughts from running wild. Doing relaxation exercises, such as deep breathing, can then become an important way to calm your nervous system down when you anticipate getting into these kinds of situations with others.
What if You Continue to Struggle With This Fear?
Although the way you’ve adapted to fear of conflict has gotten you this far, it probably won’t serve you going forward. I encourage you to seek out help if this is a chronic problem for you. I’ve been helping my clients and addressing this issue throughout my clinical career, and would be happy to talk with you so you can find out whether I can help you with this issue. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, fill out the schedule consult button above, or fill out an inquiry form below if you live in MD or VA so I can have a 15 minute phone call along these lines with you. You deserve to have freedom from this kind of fear, and to live as happy a life as possible.
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out how Scott can help you with fear of conflict escalation.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW-C