Do you and your partner have great sex, but struggle to get along at other times? Do you often feel lonely despite being in a primary relationship? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, then you would do well to keep reading!
What’s Missing in Many Relationships Today
We live in a time where the emphasis on having fulfilling romantic relationships has never been greater, but most people struggle in having ones that are as satisfying romantically as they would like. The quest for the perfect partner has in many respects become largely out of reach. The issue lies primarily in the discrepancy between friendship and perfection.
Great Lovers or Best Friends: Which?
Many people are obsessed with finding a partner who is incredibly attractive and “hot,“ but using dating apps rarely helps us focus on what matters the most. Finding someone who can be a good or best friend and a partner is of larger importance than pure sexual attraction.
A Friend That’s a Good Partner is More Than Just About Compatibility
While trying to figure out whether your partner is someone you can be with for the long-term, it’s more than a matter of finding out whether you all like the same things or not. In the early stages of relationship development, that’s not that much of a problem, as you both will probably like much or most of the same things if you’re in love with each other. The problem is that once that in-loveness fades, individual differences and preferences invariably surface.
What Really Helps Relationships Thrive
Once the stage of in-loveness wears off, then more individual differences will surface. The biggest question going forward is how well the relationship can tolerate these individual differences, and this is largely based on having a good friendship instead of sexual attraction. Good friends can accept and tolerate differences in each other, as well as overcome any fears of the demise of the relationship because of these basically normal differences that most couples deal with.
What Helps Build Friendships in Couples?
Developing a long-lasting friendship has more to do with being able to connect on an emotional level than a sexual level. This has very much to do with having mutual respect for each other, as well as an ability to relate as equals. This mutual respect extends to being able to appreciate and honor differences instead of seeing them as an inherent threat to your relationship. In between your connection needs to be a bond of trust that allows you both to experience your differences without them being threatening. Anything that jeopardizes this trust in a relationship needs to be looked at seriously as far as its implications for whether you both can stay together or not. For example, a pattern of infidelity in one or both of you is certainly grounds for ending the relationship unless you both are resolute about repairing things.
When to Get Help in a Relationship
If you feel like your friendship is eroding despite your time together, and perhaps years of commitment to each other, then that’s worth getting therapy help for. I specialize in helping my couples clients to develop strong and lasting deep friendships with each other. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you ASAP if you live in MD or VA to schedule a time where we can talk. This will help give you a better idea about whether I can help you in your situation, but good friendships in relationships deserve the investment that couples therapy provides to make them last a lifetime!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out about how Scott can help you with friendship and long-lasting relationships.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.