Do you often feel like there’s nothing you can do right in your relationship with your partner? Do you often wind up feeling hurt or disrespected by your partner because of the things they say? If you answered yes to either one or both of these questions then you would do well to read on.
Living Under a Cloud of Criticism
We live in a culture that is very keen on laying blame on other people when things don’t go right. For most people the experience of pain leading to blame is a total 1-1 correspondence. If I’m in pain, then there’s somebody to blame for it.
We All Deal with Emotions Related to Criticism
In large part because our culture is so focused on criticism and blame… and judgment for that matter, being on the receiving end of someone’s criticism is an inevitable part of life. It may roll off of your back if it’s from somebody that you don’t know, but when the criticism comes from your partner, it invariably can lead to some upset on your part.
Differences in Emotional Impact of Criticism by a Partner
The emotional impact of criticism usually leads to some degree of emotional pain when you’re on the receiving end of it. It could also feel unfair, and this often relates to that feeling of emotional pain also. Criticism could make you feel afraid of them abandoning you, either physically or emotionally, or both. Many times the emotional pain and/or fear can manifest as tearfulness, as well as anger, depending on your way of reacting to it. It can also often tie into significant trauma that you experienced growing up.
How to Cope with Criticism From a Partner
There are many ways to cope in this situation, and probably the best thing to do is to not react to it, if at all possible. If you can take a deep breath, and get out and take a walk around the block. If you have the emotional bandwidth to simply be curious about what is behind the criticism that they are expressing to you, then you have done something that many partners struggle mightily to do. Even asking a clarifying question about what it is that you’re getting criticized for can reveal a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation of what your partner is saying.
Adaptive Then, Maladaptive Now
The main thing to understand about dealing with criticism from a partner is that you don’t have to take it in and personalize it unless you can later on truly realize that it has something to do with you. There are many better ways to communicate with a partner than to criticize, but we live in a culture that does not put much value on being in connection with others. You do have a choice about whether you take criticism from your partner to heart or not. Sometimes simply asking questions in the spirit of compassionate curiosity can go a long way towards defusing what seems like something that was about you originally.
What To Do If You Struggle with Criticism in Your Relationship?
Deeply ingrained patterns of criticism and contempt can make relationships very unpleasant. I’ve been helping my clients in their primary relationships for over 15 years now, and would be happy to talk to you to give you a better idea about whether I can help you with your particular situation. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in MD or VA to get a free phone or a virtual consultation so I can help you to figure that out for yourself. You owe it to yourself, as well as your relationship, and emotional growth and development to take measures to help get out from under a cloud of criticism.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in dealing with the emotional effects of criticism.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.