Are there times when you’re with your partner where you want to say something, but you just can’t seem to find the words? Do you sometimes wind up saying things to your partner that you don’t intend to out of spite or anger? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you probably are experiencing some degree of emotional flooding and need to learn how to cope with this positively.
Emotional Flooding is at the Root of Many Communication Issues
Emotional flooding is a term for an experience of having your emotions be so highly intense that they can either cause you to shut down or to get into fight mode with your partner. Each of these reactions is related to an adaptive response to some form of trauma in childhood. These patterns tend to persist into adulthood and are the bane of most couples’ existence.
Emotional Flooding is So Typical in Our Culture
In my professional estimation, there are vastly more couples that struggle with emotional flooding than not based on the awareness that most people have not had positive models for communication with partners growing up with their parents. We don’t get communication skills in utero, but we often have models of either lack of communication or communication that’s very unhealthy. This isn’t to blame our parents for our problems, but just to understand where they come from.
Emotional Flooding Looks Different With Different People
As I mentioned above, people will tend to go to two extremes in emotional flooding. On the one hand, some partners will get overwhelmed and wind up shutting down emotionally. It feels like you’re interacting with a wall in these cases, but that’s definitely not the case. Your partner is just so overwhelmed that they shut down internally. On the other hand, some partners respond to dysregulation by acting contemptuously towards their partner, in some type of verbal exchange, or worse in some instances.
How to Cope with Emotional Flooding in Your Relationship
One of the best things you can do for yourself and for your relationship and you realize you are either overwhelmed and getting shut down, or are getting so amped up that you are about to spew is to call a “time out“ for couples. This is meant to be a unilateral and preventive ripstop action that halts communication between you and your partner about what it was that caused one or both of you to get emotionally flooded. One famous couples therapy trainer has gone so far as to codify these into the 10 Commandments of timeouts in order to help partners to not worsen any conflict they are in already before they can eventually come back and talk about them with clear heads and hearts.
What To Do for Emotional Flooding Beyond Timeouts
Hopefully you and/or your partner have learned coping skills that you can use during these timeouts to help you to de-escalate your emotional activation level and to be calmer when you two reengage about the issue. If you continue to struggle with emotional flooding in your interactions with your partner, I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out an inquiry form below if you live in MD or VA and I can meet with you and/or your partner for a free consultation to give you a better idea about whether I can help you with your current situation. Dysregulation can be successfully worked with and helped to be lessened so that you and your relationship can be repaired from the repeated damage that they can cause. Take some positive action and help you, your relationship, and your family today!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with emotional flooding.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.