Were you ever regarded as being a “responsible child“ when you were growing up? Do you feel like you never really got to experience your childhood growing up because of this? Do you feel like you always had responsibilities for others at an early age? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may suffer from what I call Responsible Child Syndrome.
The Responsible Child Syndrome
Most people would think it’s a good thing if you were considered responsible when you were a child growing up. The world is filled with people who were “responsible“ as children, but that doesn’t make the world a better place. In fact, it is one of the big problems with our culture these days, which is that adults who were responsible as children don’t feel like they really have to grow up anymore. And that’s the whole problem.
How the Responsible Child Syndrome Can Stifle Adult Relationships
If you were one of these responsible, I like to call them parentified children growing up, you did a great job of adapting to a situation that your caregivers very well may have painted you into in order to satisfy the demands of the family life you were in at the time. The problem is that way too many of these parentified children grow up and become adults who never really matured past that stage they were when they were kids. This creates problems in primary adult relationships, as well as society at large in some respects.
Our Responsible Children Ruin Adult Relationships
When you were a kid, being right was probably all-important in your family and peer relationships. That worked back then, but if you are living with a spouse and/or teenager/adult children, this can create a lot of havoc. The problem is that in adult relationships, being right can actually be unhealthy for your relationship. What your partner and your adolescent or full grown children need is someone who can relate to them more as an equal rather than somebody who’s “always right.“ What’s missing is an ability to be compassionate, curious, and truly caring about another at their core instead of being right. This is also referred to as the “wise adult“ in at least one school of couples therapy called Relational Life Therapy, or RLT.
“The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.” — Max Lerner
How to Break Free of the Responsible Child Syndrome as an Adult
To shed your unhealthy attachment to the experience of being the responsible child as an adult, you need to open up to a larger experience of yourself as an equal in your partnered relationships, as well as being an equal with basically everybody else, including adult children that you may have also. This can be a scary prospect, and also be very difficult to release the need to be right at any given time. The benefits of relinquishing your attachment to your adapted child ego state as I call it, is that you have much more fulfilling and expansive relationships with your relationship partner(s), as well as your adolescent and/or adult children. It’s something I’m continually directing my clients to move towards instead of a maladaptive pattern of relating to others in present circumstances.
What if You Struggle in Breaking Free From the Responsible Child Syndrome?
Breaking free from your attachment to your adapted child is the work of basically becoming a fully functioning and autonomous adult. I’ve been working with my clients for years in helping them to gain access to the “wise adult“ experience of themselves. I would be happy to give you a free consult if you live in MD or VA so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you in doing this work. Just call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consult button above, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you ASAP to schedule this. You owe it to yourself, your current relationships, and those generations that will come after you to do your best to really grow up instead of just operating as a parentified child for the rest of your life. Take the first steps and reach out for help today!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out about how Scott can help you with moving past the responsible child syndrome.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.