Do you find that you and your partner just keep butting heads no matter what you seem to try? Do you wind up feeling totally frustrated at how you and your partner can't seem to get anywhere in resolving your differences? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then do read on for strategies that can help in your relationship.
Conflict Resolution Has Never Been Needed More
If ever there is a time when there’s divisiveness in our culture, it is now! The conflict in our culture often takes root in relationships, and how partners have deeply ingrained patterns of conflict within the relationship. These patterns can eventually lead to distancing and estrangement, if not eventual divorce. Look at the increasing numbers of older adults who are getting divorced after decades of potential misery together.
Conflict Resolution is Nothing New, But It’s Time Has Certainly Come
Conflict resolution skills are ever-evolving, and have been scantily employed in addressing marital strife. This is not because of them not being available, but it is very difficult to apply them in the situations when they’re most needed. They range from using I-messages to active listening, and are great when people are able to actually use them within a coupleship. The problem is that most people are too activated emotionally to be able to use them when the need arises.
So here are a couple conflict resolution skills that are the latest (and most important), and are best used in sequential order:
Timeouts: When you or your partner are getting emotionally activated, taking a time out from each other is the single best thing to start off doing. Taking at least 24 hours to cool off and revisit a difficult topic is the only way for both of you to resolve it as mature adults.
Getting permission from your partner to talk about a difficult topic is the first step towards resolving it at this point. It is important to make sure your partner is willing and able to listen to you without becoming emotionally reactive before launching into any form of conflict resolution verbiage. If they say no, then you need to wait another day or more to go ahead and bring it up with them.
I-messages are used when your partner and you are both ready to talk and listen. An I-message involves at least three basic elements: one is the feeling or emotion you’re experiencing, the second is the basic situation that elicited the feeling(s), and third is what you made up in your mind about the experience. It’s always good to mention what you want to see happen when the interaction is resolved, but it’s not necessary. Don’t rehash ancient history here. Keep it current and limited to one issue.
Active listening: this isn’t so much reliant on particular verbiage, but is an important skill that involves mustering what I call compassionate curiosity towards your partner. It often involves open-ended questions, as well as reflecting feelings and other data that the partner is conveying to us or to you. Don’t use this as an opportunity to distract into other topics, but respond to what your partner is saying specifically.
What if You Continue to Struggle with Conflict Resolution?
Let’s say that you’ve been trying to use the above skills with your partner, but to no avail. Many people find themselves in this situation, and often need professional help to help improve their relationship. I’ve been helping my clients for my entire social work career in addressing their relationship struggles, and would be happy to talk to you and/or your partner about possibly helping you. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out the inquiry form below to get a free phone or a virtual consult if you live in Maryland or Virginia to find out more about whether I can help you in your situation. You, your partner, and your family all stand again from taking positive action. I encourage you to do that and help set a good tone for your recovery in your life going forward!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with conflict resolution.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.