Do you ever find yourself feeling tired from having to meet most or all of your male relationship partner’s needs in the relationship? Do you feel like there is an imbalance as far as who’s taking care of the emotional part of your relationship too? Do you sometimes wish you weren’t so busy attending to other people‘s needs in your relationships? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be engaging in the practice of mankeeping and would do well to read on.
Mankeeping is Not New, But It Is a Growing Problem Now
Mankeeping happens to be a new term for an old problem that’s gotten worse in our present time. It has to do with the phenomenon of women who are basically taking care of most of all of the emotional and social needs of their male partners. It just so happens that we are in a time when degrees of isolation are very high amongst men in particular, but people in general are more isolated than ever before. It’s made it more difficult for men to initiate and have friendships outside of a partner relationship. This puts more pressure on one’s relationship partner, particularly women who are socialized to be caring and giving to others.
The Toll Mankeeping Takes on the Female Partner
Women who are in the role of mankeeping often find that they are emotionally overtaxed, and have little time for self-care, other social outlets, and little time for reflection. It puts more stress on them in the relationship, and it is almost as if they are taking care of another child if there’s already a son or daughter in the family. This imbalance is not sustainable, and feeds into an experience of role-playing that is not healthy for the couple and the individual.
Here are the 4 Reasons Mankeeping is Bad For You (and Your Partner):
1. It keeps the male partner from being responsible for his own emotional and social life, which is a primary goal of adulthood.
2. It puts women into a role of having to emotionally care for their partner as much or more than themselves, which is basically unsustainable in the long-term.
3. It can breed a sense of resentment, either on the part of the woman who is constantly over-extending herself for her partner, or in the male partner who has to rely on his female partner for most or all of his emotional support.
4. It creates an unhealthy power dynamic in the relationship, where the man exists in a basically one down position in relationship to the woman, and the woman (probably covertly) has a one up position in relationship to the male partner. These kinds of imbalances are not healthy for mature, adult relationships, and create the seeds for unhealthy cycles of conflict between a couple.
There are probably at least a couple more reasons that mankeeping is not healthy for you or your relationship. And although it may be necessary to overextend yourself for your partner for a short time for illness or other difficult circumstances, it’s not healthy over the long-term.
What if You’re Caught in an Unhealthy Pattern of Mankeeping?
You can do some things to help yourself in this situation, such as limiting the amount of emotional support you provide to your partner and encouraging them to find outside support. Sometimes this is a support group for someone who has addiction issues, or a networking group for people who are looking for employment. You can’t take responsibility for someone other than yourself when you’re in a relationship for with another adult, so encouragement, limit-setting for yourself, and perhaps eventually leaving the relationship may need to be considered in order to help too, not allow yourself to be overtaxed.
What if You Continue to Struggle with Mankeeping Even After Trying to Stop?
I’ve been helping my clients for my entire social work career in working to take care of themselves, both within and outside of relationships. Codependency is a real thing and can creep in unwittingly, and I would be happy to talk to you about whether I can help you and/or your partner in breaking out of an unhealthy pattern of mankeeping. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Virginia, and I will get back to you as soon as possible to schedule a free phone or a virtual consult depending on your relationship situation. You owe it to yourself to do what you can to help both you and your partner to be able to stand on both feet, and to move forward as mature adults either together or apart.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out if Scott can help you with an unhealthy pattern of mankeeping.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.