Do you and your partner get caught up in a dance of avoiding touchy topics? Do you find yourselves sitting in stony silence with each other instead of actually talking about things that matter? Do you find yourself wishing you could bring things up, but always wind up opting to wait for a “better“ time to talk to your partner? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you really would benefit from reading today’s blog.
Conflict Avoidance is a Big Problem with Couples
Unless you and your partner have a great relationship, with a history of addressing issues head on and coming out of them in better shape than ever, then one of you has probably become good at conflict avoidance. It happens in relationships where one partner tends to be more passive than the other. The other partner may be passive also, but could also be very emotionally reactive and have big anger. Part of the reason that it’s a big problem is that it usually always grows and worsens until it leaves partners in this void of dissatisfaction with their relationship.
What is Conflict Avoidance Anyway?
Conflict avoidance is a habitual pattern with some individuals, particularly in their relationships, where they will tend to withdraw when something emotionally triggering happens instead of speaking up. It may only start with one instance, but it becomes a pattern when it gets repeated because one partner fears the effects of speaking up within their relationship. Both partners can take on this pattern, but it basically keeps couples from growing in their relationship with each other and promotes a cycle of increasing emotional isolation from each other. It doesn’t matter how much time the couple spends together, the couple will tend to be very emotionally isolated from each other as a result of not sharing their true feelings.
Why Therapy Addresses Conflict Avoidance Head On
The basic problem is that couples who engage in conflict avoidance are not even addressing their problems in the first place. What the therapist will seek to do is to get one or both partners actually talking about what the problem really is. It’s generally best to get the partner who is tending to be more withdrawn, unless it’s both partners who withdraw, to at least talk about what makes things so difficult to talk about. If the more withdrawn partner will actually speak up and “take on“ their other partner, then there is a chance that things will get resolved. However, if things just maintain their current level of silence, then the dysfunction in the relationship only gets more ingrained and grows. This leads couples into a void of dissatisfaction, it keeps them there in a more permanent way.
How to Break Out of the Void of Conflict Avoidance
One of the first best ways to break out of this void is to actually find a good couples therapist and start attending couples therapy. This helps to allow the more withdrawn partner to speak up and have a forum for actually talking about the things that they are reluctant to talk about. Regardless of whether you are in couples therapy or not, making it a point to bring up difficult issues with your partner when they indicate that they are open to talking is important. If they never have a good time where you can talk to them, then this may not be possible. But if they are willing to talk, and you have their ear for some period of time, being able to identify one or more feelings that are bothering you is an important first step, as well as having a specific situation that the unpleasant feeling comes up in. Being able to describe the story that you make up in your mind and attach to the unpleasant feeling and situation is ideal, as well as stating what it is that you want to come out of the interaction. You may or may not get a positive response from your partner, but at least you are taking the measure of speaking up about what is bothering you. And that’s a very important step.
What if Your Relationship Continues to be Stuck in the Void of Conflict Avoidance?
If you haven’t gotten help for your issue and have tried doing it on your own, then now is a good time to start looking. I’ve been helping my clients with their relationship struggles for my entire social work career, and would be happy to talk to you and your partner to help you find out whether I could help you both with your issue. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland, and I will get back to you to schedule a free virtual consult so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you with your situation. I have special training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), and am familiar with several other couples therapy models that can be helpful in addressing your particular issues. Your overall well-being, as well as your partner and the rest of your family may be counting on you to take the first step today. I totally encourage you to do so!
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you in addressing conflict avoidance.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.