Do you sometimes wonder if you feel too needy in your primary relationship? Do you struggle with knowing how much you should actually rely on yourself for important things versus relying on your partner? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then this post is for you!
A Crisis of Relationship Dependency
In our present times, reliance on one’s partner tends to go to one of two extremes: either total reliance or total independence from a partner. It can be seen as a product of a culture that thinks in terms of binaries. You’re either all this or all that, but there’s very little in between. It has most likely fueled our current state of continual dysregulation, too.
The Question of Dependency
We’re brought up in a culture here in the United States that espouses rugged individualism, and it fosters a bootstraps mentality. This can lead some people to think that they can’t depend on anyone else as an adult, and can unwittingly contribute to unhealthy dependency by depicting extremes rather than a healthy balance in your relationships.
A Question of Relationality
Instead of thinking in terms of binaries and extremes, it is best to think of a balance of the two. In other words, total independence and total dependency are not healthy as human beings and adults. We all need to depend on others for relational needs, but we are fundamentally responsible for our own emotional worlds when we get into adulthood. Certainly by the time we get past age 25 our brains are fully developed, and we have the capacity to exert some dominion over our emotional worlds.
Response – Ability Is The Key
If we live in a state of healthy interdependence, then we have a responsibility for ourselves and to our partners. Our responsibility to our partners comes mainly in the form of accountability for the way we act and behave in relationship with them. We also have a responsibility for ourselves to tend to our emotions and thoughts. This also negates the tendency to want to blame others for how we may be feeling. It’s my firm professional conviction that no one makes us “feel“ a certain way. We react to stimuli and that can cause thoughts and feelings in us, but we are fundamentally responsible when we get into adulthood for our emotions and thoughts. If my partner looks at me funny, or calls me names, then I can ask about the funny face, and I can hold them accountable for making fun of me, but it doesn’t mean that they’re to blame for my emotional state.
When To Seek Help for Problems with Relationship Dependency
Many couples struggle with living in the binary of either total dependency or complete independence from their partners. I help my couples to move from the extremes to the healthy middle ground of relationality. I’d be happy to talk to you via a free couples consultation to give you a better idea of whether I can help you or not in your situation. Just call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out the form below, and I’ll get back to you ASAP if you live in MD or VA to get it scheduled. You deserve to live in a state of health both in your relationships and your internal world. Take the first step today!
Visit our page on couples therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with relationship dependency issues.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon.