Do you find that you and your partner keep having repeated misunderstandings when you try to talk about something important? Do you keep getting upset about the same issue again and again? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, then I urge you to read about how to overcome your problem.
Today’s Relationships are Full of Potential Misunderstanding
In our present time, we put such a priority on instant communication via phone, text, and email, that we struggle to communicate about some of the most basic issues effectively, especially with relationship partners. Somehow, in the race to communicate super-rapidly, there has been much that has been lost.
Misunderstandings in Relationships are Normal
Especially given the situation that I described above, the result is that our relationships are full of potential for misunderstandings. The key difference between unsuccessful couples and successful couples is that they put a priority on clarifying misunderstandings instead of reacting to them.
How Misunderstandings Happen in the First Place
Communication is a two-way street between the sender and the receiver. The sender has a specific intent…or not depending on the situation they’re speaking in. It may or may not get through to the partner or receiver, because the receiver has all kinds of built-in potential triggers and emotional charges, depending on the issue.
The potential for misunderstanding is magnified by all of these factors that both parties have within them. If there is also a background conflict between the partners on the issue, that amplifies the potential for wires to get crossed even more!
How to Rebuild Emotional Safety When There Have Been Repeated Misunderstandings
The first thing that is important is to ask clarifying questions of your partner. Hopefully this happens at a time when neither one of you has a significant emotional charge about the issue. Asking questions in the spirit of compassionate curiosity is a key to resolving misunderstandings.
How to Ask Non-Threatening Questions
Questions that start with the word why are usually more apt to get a negative reaction than questions that start off with who, what, when, or how. If you ask about the reason that your partner said or did something, then you are more likely to clear up a misunderstanding.
Often partners in a relationship will say or do things that are not in line with their true intentions. Asking about those is better than asking why they did something.
Focus on Understanding
Compassionate curiosity relies on a desire to understand rather than on a desire to change or blame someone. Focusing on not blaming and not shaming is also a key in rebuilding trust after misunderstandings.
Accept What You Get
If you get clarification on something you really were trying to understand, and it indicates that your partner was not trying to harm you, then you have really hit paydirt.
Appreciate yourself and your partner for having had a successful interaction. If you get a response that upsets you again, then it’s time to back off until you and your partner have had a chance to cool down and continue the conversation at a later time.
What if the Lines Keep Getting More Crossed?
Just like with our modern technology, if your best attempts to rebuild trust seem to only make things worse, then it’s time to seek out professional help. Getting objective input and guidance can help uncross the wires of communication and is well worth it in terms of having more fulfilling and rewarding relationships going forward.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you untangle your lines of communication.
