Do you sometimes think that your current relationship isn’t like when you were growing up? Do you sometimes find that you’re bumping up against expectations from your parents when you were growing up that seemed to cause friction in your spouse relationship now? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you do need to read this blog post.
Family-of-Origin Conflicts Are Universal in Relationships
Since everyone has a family of origin, then when we get into relationships with other people, particularly spouses and relationship partners, we inevitably run into conflicts. It’s basically about the age-old problem of how to adapt to a new relational landscape, considering the one that you grew up in was inevitably different somehow from this one.
What Are Family-of-Origin Conflicts in the First Place?
Family-of-origin conflicts are basically the discrepancy between the family situation you grew up in and and the one you are currently in as an adult. To the extent you cling to or feel confined by the expectations for the situation that you grew up in with your current relationship, you have a family of origin conflict. As I said above, these are inevitable, but they don’t have to spell doom for your relationship now.
Adaptive Then, Maladaptive Now
You had to develop a particular pattern of thinking, feeling and behaving in your family growing up in order to survive. This is the tremendous wisdom of childhood adaptation patterns. Eventually, when you meet and find a partner to be in a relationship with you come into some degree of conflict because of differences between your family of origin and their family of origin. At some point, you have to choose whether you’ll be loyal to your current relationship or loyal to your family origin and the adaptation patterns you learned then.
The Old or the New: Which Will You Choose?
Your way of acting in the past was suited to a time and place that no longer exists. You need to find a way to move past the adaptation patterns of your childhood to fully move into adulthood. Your partner, by bringing up the conflicts from the past, is nudging you to move forward in your way of relating. Whether they are showing you a better way themselves, or whether they are creating havoc for you internally, the task is still the same. Learning how to be more relational is the fundamental work of couples therapy, and no one progresses in couples therapy unless they meet and overcome their conflicts from their family of origin upbringing.
What If You Struggle With Family-of-Origin Conflicts?
One of the things I’m always addressing with my clients is how their adaptation patterns from childhood have become outmoded and need to change. I work with them on overcoming these to improve their relationships and improve their overall functioning. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you ASAP if you live in VA or MD to schedule a free phone or virtual consultation to give you a better idea of whether I can help you in your situation. You owe it to yourself to get the help to overcome your early adaptation patterns to live a life that's reaching its full potential, both in your relationships, and in the most comprehensive manner possible. Take the first step and reach out for help to make the leap today!
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in overcoming family-of-origin conflicts.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.