Did you grow up in a home where the adults didn’t pay much attention to you? Do you feel like you have always been someone who has always felt responsible for others? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you probably suffered from some degree of emotional neglect as a child and would do well to continue reading.
Emotional Neglect is Much More Common Than You Think
Many people suffer from the effects of emotional neglect, but really don’t understand how it can happen growing up. You may very well feel like you had a happy family growing up, and that may be true. The problem is that growing up in a family, even a good one, can involve some degree of this experience.
What is Emotional Neglect Anyway?
Emotional neglect is a form of trauma that happens to you when you “are not seen or known” according to the renowned psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk. You may respond to this question by saying, of course I’ve always been seen and known! The problem is that unless you’ve actually been known and appreciated by your parents for who you really are, you probably have suffered from some degree of this subtle form of trauma.
Why Emotional Neglect is a Problem
If you grew up in a situation of emotional neglect, then you may very well struggle in having healthy attachment to others. You may also struggle with being able to identify deep feelings within yourself, because your caregivers were not able to help you identify and validate them. There can be a lot of emptiness that goes with emotional neglect, and you probably developed ways to cope with this by becoming fiercely independent. In our culture that tends to get looked at positively, but if you’re in a primary relationship this can result in you becoming isolated or ‘walled off’ from your partner emotionally.
4 Ways Therapy Helps in Healing Emotional Neglect:
Psychoeducation: the therapist can help you identify how you may have experienced emotional neglect, even in an otherwise happy family.
Emotional attunement with your therapist: This is extremely important, and involves the therapist having a positive emotional connection with you to help you be able to identify deep feelings.
Providing positive attachment: this goes with the previous one, but particularly with having a therapist that validates and supports you in developing compassion for what you’ve experienced.
Fostering self-compassion: this is when you are supported in being able to experience compassion for what you went through as a child in emotional neglect. Sometimes also called reparenting, it helps to instill a positive and supportive voice that can accompany you through adulthood.
What If You Have Suffered From Emotional Neglect Growing Up?
Even though there is a fair chance that most people in our culture move into adulthood having experienced some degree of emotional neglect, your situation may be more challenging than others. There’s all the reason in the world to seek help if you suffer from some of the effects of emotional neglect, such as depression, anxiety, or other mental disorders. I’ve been helping my clients to recover from their experience of being overlooked for whatever reason growing up in their families of origin. I’d be happy to talk with you and a free 15 minute phone consultation to find out if I would be a good fit for you and help you to recover from this. Just call the phone number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I’ll get back to you ASAP if you live in MD or VA. Whatever the case, you deserve to have a fulfilling life in close positive relationships in your life, take the first step and seek the help you need today!
Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out how Scott can help you in healing from emotional neglect.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.