Do you wonder why you feel so devastated by a partner having an emotional affair with someone else? Do you tell yourself it shouldn’t be this upsetting? If you answered yes to either one of these questions then it would help to better understand the impact of emotional infidelity.
The Potential for Infidelity is Virtually Unlimited These Days
There are many different forms of infidelity, and emotional affairs can get easily minimized in light of other forms of cheating, such as sexual infidelity. That doesn’t mean that the felt experience of the betrayed partner isn’t going to be just as bad as other forms of cheating though. Our hyperconnected world makes it possible to cheat on a partner with so little effort required that the possibility of wounding is almost unlimited.
Infidelity Is Infidelity
When any partner goes outside of the bounds of the relationship to fulfill needs that are understood to be met within the context of the relationship, this can be construed as infidelity. Having an emotional confidant that is outside the awareness of the other partner who keeps secrets that the uninvolved partner is never meant to know about is typically seen as a violation of agreed-upon boundaries for a marriage or an exclusive partnered relationship. Any violation of this sort can create all kinds of grief and/or trauma reactions in the partner who’s been betrayed.
Reactions Are Like the Colors of a Rainbow
Each partner that’s suffered from some degree of emotional betrayal can have reactions that run the gamut from shock and emotional numbing to blinding fury on the other end, loss of sex drive or increased sex drive, as well as torrents of tears of sadness or feelings of confusion. Guilt can also run amok in anyone who has experienced this. In short, if you have a question about whether a reaction is due to emotional infidelity, it’s most likely due to this.
Betrayal Trauma as a Puncture Wound
Any breach of trust in a relationship can be seen as a rupture of a basic understanding and agreement that you have with your partner. That’s why it’s often conceptualized as being like a puncture wound, because there’s been a literal rupture in an otherwise solid wall of trust that’s existed between you and your relationship partner. This can cause all kinds of emotional reactions that are upsetting and unsettling.
How to Cope With the Impact of Emotional Infidelity
First of all, giving yourself the grace of accepting whatever feeling reaction you’re having (without minimizing it) is the best first thing to do. If you are able to do so, finding a trusted friend or family member to confide in about your grief/trauma experience is very helpful. Letting them know that to the extent you suffer from a grief experience means that you may not be inclined to reach out for help going forward, but that you appreciate them reaching out to you on some agreed-upon basis could be very important going forward.
When to Get Professional Help for Emotional Infidelity
It’s especially important to reach out for professional help in a situation where you don’t have a support system or have a set of serious symptoms that prevents you from being able to function adequately on a day-to-day basis. There are many clinicians that are trained specifically in addressing infidelity issues, including me, who can either provide couples therapy or grief and trauma processing, or both. This can make the difference between simply surviving and continuing to stumble back into the same problems and setting a trajectory that can take you to a much better and brighter future.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW – C
Visit our page on infidelity therapy to find out how Scott can help you in recovering from emotional infidelity.
