Do you sometimes get caught up in thinking that there are certain things you think you “should“ do in your relationship just because of your gender? Do you often think that there are certain things that your partner should or should not do because of their gender role in the relationship? Do you judge yourself harshly when you don’t measure up to these gender role expectations, or judge your partner for that also? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then this blog post is a must read!
Gender Role Expectations Can Be a Big Stressor in Relationships
From the time we’re in the crib all the way to the grave, we are taught how to behave based on our gender. Gender role expectations have always been a big issue in families, primary relationships, friendships, and the larger society. One of the big problems that couples continue to run into is that they have these expectations of themselves or their partners that don’t serve the relationship they are in. So much pain and suffering is caught up with not living up to these, and they can literally worsen conflicts.
The Unconscious Trap of General Role Expectations
So many of our gender role expectations of ourselves in our partners operate below the level of conscious awareness. We simply act in our relationships the way we have been brought up to act in them, most of the time without even questioning whether they are a fit for us in our relationships or not. The problem is that both you and your partner are both unique individuals, and that no one fits into a stereotype of what the best way for them to show up in a relationship is. What winds up happening is that partners end up either getting disappointed in themselves, or disappointed and upset at their partners for not behaving a certain way that they somehow expect them to. This creates so much unnecessary suffering because of family, gender and societal expectations that are bearing down on this particular couple.
How to Free Yourself and Your Relationship From Gender Role Expectations
Once a couple realizes that their gender role expectations are not in line with what they or and or the relationship they’re in needs, then they can hopefully start to open up to other possibilities. Unfortunately, gender role expectations tend to lend themselves to a hierarchical relationship with one’s partner. In other words, one partner invariably winds up having experience of being “one up,“ and the other partner winds up having the experience of being “one down“ in the relationship. This difference of status in the relationship invariably breeds all kinds of disharmony and discontent. At the extreme end of this is contempt because one partner doesn’t live up to the other partner's standards, or the other partner is resented because of their superiority. What’s necessary for harmonious relationships in our present day and time are ones that are based on equality and egalitarian principles. The other particulars are up to each individual couple, but the way to harmony and connection in present-day relationship relationships has to deal with equality primarily.
Working Against Gender Expectations in Your Relationship
One way to do this is to figure out whether you tend to show up as being “one up“ in your relationship or “one down“ in your relationship. There are probably numerous ways to do this, but one of the best ways is by looking at the Relationship Grid that the renowned therapist Terry Real has come up with in his couples therapy model. In using the grid, one has to figure out whether they show up either as one up or one down in the relationship, and based on that you decide on how to work towards relating to your partner as an equal. If you tend to have an attitude of being one up, then the prescription is to move away from a sense of superiority over your partner in one way or another. If you tend to show up as one down, then you need to “take on” your partner in such a way that allows you to show up as more of an equal. One example of this is choosing to speak up and be more assertive with your partner in a loving way if you have tended to devalue yourself in the relationship or have a sense of being less than in the relationship.
What If You Struggle With Gender Role Expectations and Need Help?
Couples therapy is an excellent way to address the problem of gender role expectations that interfere with your relationship. I’ve been helping my clients to deal with these in my practice for my entire social work career. I’d be happy to talk to you about how I could possibly help you and/or your partner to move past these. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out an inquiry form below if you live in Maryland, and I will get back to you to schedule a free 20 minute interactive consult so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you and/or your partner in your efforts to create more harmony and equality in your relationship. You, your partner, your family, and your broader community will surely benefit from doing so.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you move past gender role expectations.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.