Have you ever found yourself feeling jealous and obsessed over it? Have you ever felt so jealous you got angry and upset about it? Do you find yourself looking up someone you’re jealous of on social media to find out if they may pose a threat to your relationship without any indication of possible cheating by your partner? If you answered ‘yes’ to more than one of these questions you are most likely not suffering from trauma and would do well to read on.
Jealousy and Betrayal Trauma are Both Commonplace
Both jealousy and betrayal trauma have been around for about as long as humanity has been walking on the planet. Anytime there are 3 people and 2 of them are showing attention to the same other, there is the potential for some hard feelings. It doesn’t have to be something that all parties can agree on, but as long as one person has this perception they can feel threatened by the experience. The question isn’t so much whether one person gets upset about this, but more about the degree of the upset.
How Jealousy and Betrayal Trauma are Alike
Both of these experiences can indeed be upsetting, and both of them typically involve at least 3 people. They both involve at least 2 of the people involved being in a romantic relationship of some type. Aside from that, jealousy and betrayal trauma are starkly different.
How Jealousy and Betrayal Trauma are Different
While both of these emotional experiences can indeed be upsetting, they are materially different in some glaring ways. Most people who feel jealous don’t ruminate and obsess over it, and it doesn’t go on for more than a limited period of time if they are able to talk about it with their relationship partner. One of the key differences is that no commitment or agreement in the relationship has been breached, like having romantic involvement with the other party. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a physical affair or an emotional affair, if there’s a commitment or agreement to exclusivity then breaking that likely leads to feelings of betrayal and consequent trauma. Then the emotional landscape looks a lot more like one of grief and loss than just a passing feeling.
“Jealousy is erotic wrath…is erotic rage”
— Esther Perel, renowned psychotherapist and author
How to Cope with Jealousy
As can be seen from the quote above, jealousy and betrayal trauma can both involve anger. The key difference is that there isn’t the real life underpinning for the feeling that there is for betrayal trauma. In other words, no conscious agreement or contract has been breached. If there were, there would be a lot more emotional fallout and the whole basis of the relationship would be called into question. Dealing with the ‘erotic rage’ is more about doing things like journaling about it, talking to supportive friends or confidants about it, as well as talking about it with your partner at some point. If you do the latter, don’t do it in an accusatory manner. Instead, talk about it as being your feeling instead of their fault. It can be a really sweet way to bond and complement your partner if handled properly.
What If You Have Betrayal Trauma Instead of Jealousy
If what you’re dealing with isn’t just a passing feeling and your partner dismisses your feelings out of hand, then you may have more than just jealousy. If an actual commitment to exclusivity has been broken then you may need professional help. I’ve been helping my clients with issues of infidelity for years and have special training in addressing betrayal trauma. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, fill out the form below, or hit the button above if you live in Maryland or Virginia to get a free 15 or 20 minute consultation so you can get a better idea about whether I can help you with your situation. You deserve to not have to bear the burden of infidelity and related trauma on your own, and to get clarity on whether you can salvage your relationship for your sake and that of those who depend on you.
Visit our page on infidelity therapy to find out how Scott can help you move past actual betrayal trauma.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.