Do you ever feel like you live a double-life? Do you often feel like you show one face to the world and another that you actually experience? Does this tend to happen in your romantic or sexual relationships, in particular? If this describes you, you probably suffer from duplicity as a symptom of addictive or compulsive sexual behavior.
How Big a Problem is Duplicity and How It Differs from Imposter Syndrome?
Don’t lie to yourself, it’s a big problem. There aren’t any statistics on it mainly because not everybody has been found out yet, and I’m not joking about that. This isn’t the same as imposter syndrome, which is also quite common. The key difference here is that with imposter syndrome you feel like you are a fake or a fraud, but aren’t actually doing anything to intentionally deceive anyone. With duplicity, which can also be considered living a double life or gaslighting in some respects, there is an active and/or intentional form of deception going on. You are trying to keep secrets from others even though you know it’s wrong.
What Can Be Done to Stop Duplicity?
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Most of the time, duplicitous people get called out by their partners, spouses, or family members. One of the key features of our time has been pointed out by the author and therapist Esther Perel, who said it has never been easier to cheat in a relationship, but it has never been harder to keep a secret. This has become the way it is because of the advent of technology and instant communications, and yet most people don’t consider the consequences of duplicity when they also suffer from compulsive or addictive sexual behavior. The drive for the instant gratification or the hit, as it were, become all-encompassing. Good judgment often goes out the window for the sake of that instant rush of engaging in the taboo behavior or with the forbidden partner. The way out is simply through honesty, but as Billy Joel once said in one of his songs, it can be a very ‘lonely word.’ It requires the courage to start to fess up to the duplicity, but that starts a difficult road that often entails telling most everything that has been part of the cover up in any given relationship.
How Can I Start to Overcome Duplicity?
It starts by having someone you can confide in. For some people, this may seem like going to an alien world because they may have never known what it is like to trust another person. The last time they trusted someone may have been when a parent or caregiver let them down or abandoned them. If this was the case with you, you may need to find a therapist to start opening up to because this became a lifetime pattern. The way back is to start to get honest with people who don’t have a huge investment in whether you are honest or not. It could be a trusted friend or family member, a member of the clergy, or someone like that. Your local bartender probably isn’t the best choice, because you need a drink before you open up to them. This is something you need to do when you're sober. After all, if anybody has enough to drink they’ll even open up to their spouse, but that may not be the person who you need to start with. Brutal honesty is something that can be very hard to take, and it often needs to be tempered through calm, rational dialogue. It often needs to happen in the presence of a trained therapist for this reason as well.
What If I Need Professional Help?
Many people who suffer from duplicity need therapy more than just about anybody else, but oftentimes they’re the last to seek it. I have special training in helping men with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior, and have been doing this for my entire 10 year career. I know the difficult feelings and childhood trauma that can often accompany and contribute to the double life. I can help you start to overcome this and make your way back to a life worth living that allows you to trust yourself and to trust others. The double life and gaslighting eventually have to end when enough wreckage has accumulated, so why pretend it can keep going on forever? Call me at the number above or fill out the form below and I’ll get back to you to schedule a risk-free face-to-face consult to see if I would be the right person to start to help you get out of a life ridden with potholes and trouble. You are the first and last person you’re hurting with your out of control behavior.
Visit our specialty page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new e-book is entitled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon.