Remember this Tina Turner song? Too many people with relationship problems are too prone to blaming these on sex, but problems with sex are usually just a symptom of general relationship problems that are usually very treatable.
Everybody Has Some Kind of Relationship Problem at One Time or Another
Many people have the idea that they are somehow odd if they are having a relationship conflict with their partner unless they somehow witness these going on with others. You may have these and feel like you can’t bring up certain issues with your partner. If you try to, you may get rebuffed or have your issue minimized by your spouse. A lot depends on how these issues get brought up, but one of the main things is to simply bring them up. If you don’t bring it up, things will only get worse, and many couples break up or divorce over problems that show up in the bedroom, but are started by something much different.
(The following video originally aired on Facebook Live and did not have closed captioning available at the time it was recorded.)
The Blame Game
Much of the time fingers will get pointed at the partner, some partners are too inclined to blame themselves. When things ratchet up, the silent treatment can ensue, or there can be outright contempt for you partner. In such cases, the sex is usually off the table completely, or it may only happen sporadically. Again, sex usually isn’t the problem. It’s usually unexpressed emotions relating to disputes and arguments that are begging to be resolved.
How to Get Out of Relationship Problems
One way is to use assertive communication. This is communication in which you talk about your feelings, what specific behavior in your partner is bothering you, and making a specific request about what you want to come out of the discussion. It isn’t blaming or accusing, and it very well may require you to listen carefully to what your partner has to say to you. Often a skilled couples’ counselor can guide couples in such a dialogue, but there’s nothing to keep you from trying this yourself first to see what happens. The more vulnerable you can be in your relationship, generally the better your chances of resolving the conflict are. If you’re still having problems with sex after this, then is it may be time to look at physical health issues like ED that may be contributing to the problem. For most couples, however, the first place to try and resolve the problem is at the interpersonal level.
What I Can Do With It
I have been working with clients for 10 years now, both individually and with couples, who have struggled with relationship problems and their sex lives. I can tell you that the vast majority of those I’ve worked with have been able to make their relationships better as a result of therapy. Getting unstuck by talking in therapy, or by actually having healthy dialogues in session is one of the best ways to get out of a rut and improve your relationships and sex life. I have experience working with a particular form of therapy, not so much by doing a training and trying to tell everybody else how to do it, but more by living it in my own life through my own journey in relationship counseling. I’m a therapist that firmly believes I can’t lead somewhere I haven’t been myself, so I try to walk the walk as I talk the talk. If you’re not sure I can help you and would like to find out more, feel free to call me at 512-648-3053, or fill out the form below. You do owe it to yourself and your relationship to make the best effort you can of making it work, so do get the support you need regardless of who it is that helps you!
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His new e-book is entitled Life’s Lessons from the Young and the Old and is available for purchase on Amazon.
Visit our page on sex addiction therapy to learn more about how Scott can help you with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior.