Does your relationship feel like you’re the only one who talks or brings up issues? Do you have trouble figuring out what your partner thinks or feels? If you answered yes to one of both of these questions, then you may have an avoidant partner and need to read on.
Being Avoidant Has Never Been Easier
There are so many things that people can get absorbed in, not the least of which are the two-dimensional cell phone, tablet, and/or computer screens that we all have to spend a certain amount of time in front of. This can lead to relationship partners spending an inordinate amount of time not talking to each other.
Avoidance is a Typical Way of Coping
Many people do not get into discussions with their partners for fear of getting in conflict with them. This is a fairly typical way of adapting to a situation with a partner that stems from family-of-origin upbringing. It’s not healthy, but it is one way of coping with a problem by not talking about it.
Feeling Like the Relationship is One-Sided
If you’re the only partner who brings up issues it can leave you feeling very lonely and unsupported. It may seem like your partner is completely checked out, and in some ways they are.
The problem is that the more you try to bring things up, the more your partner who doesn’t talk tends to get defensive, overwhelmed, and/or shut down emotionally to the point that it doesn’t seem like you can get anything out of them.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
A gifted couples therapist will try to find ways to draw out avoidant partners and get them to talk about what it is that’s bothering them. If they are willing to work on the relationship, then they will start to learn how to open up and talk about some of the fear, hurt, overwhelm, and other emotions that are driving their avoidant behavior.
It’s Difficult, But Worth It
For partners who don't talk, they can be suffering from some degree of depression and/or shame, and talking is truly difficult when it has to do with highly charged emotional issues. It can seem threatening to both partners when this happens, but these things need to be talked about and a gifted couples therapist can help direct the conversation, such that these things are aired in the healthiest way possible.
Going Out on a Limb Together
Much of the time an avoidant partner needs someone to support them in bringing up topics and issues that otherwise would seem too much for them to talk about. A good couples therapist will go out on a limb with the partner that doesn’t usually talk, but they can’t be expected to do it for them.
Only time will tell if your partner will actually bring up difficult topics, but a good couples therapist will go with them out there so that they feel supported in bringing up things they would otherwise never discuss for themselves in a healthy way.
What To Do If Your Partner Won't Talk to You?
You can invite a reluctant partner to get on a free consultation call with many couples therapists (including me) and get a sense of whether they are willing to engage in some kind of couples therapy with you. It may take a few sessions to open up, but most partners who want to have a growing and fulfilling relationship will come through for the relationship.
Some encouragement and some sometimes not so gentle nudging maybe what they need. I support you in doing what you can to connect and help your relationship recover from conflict avoidance.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help clients with conflict of avoidance.
