Do you ever wonder how you and your partner were drawn to each other? Do you find yourself obsessing about the negative communication patterns that you and your partner get stuck in and why they happen that way? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions then please read on!
Individual Histories are Central to Your Struggles
Many couples get caught up in repetitive negative and even toxic interaction patterns. These toxic cycles owe to individual histories and how you adapted to your conditions growing up. The fact that you and your partner were attracted to each other owes as much or more to your particular situation growing up than to most any other commonality you both have.
How Individual Histories Can Cause Cycles of Conflict
You and your partner each grew up with a particular set of circumstances that existed in your family. While these circumstances are not the same between partners and couples, there are particular ways that you each learned to adapt that have served to draw you together. For example, two children with parents who were hostile to each other may have adapted by isolating themselves and trying to distract themselves from the family conflict. Oftentimes couples who have this adaptation pattern are drawn together in their primary relationships.
How Your Individual Histories Are Important in Couples Therapy
When you work with a gifted couples therapist, they can help you and your partner understand how your individual histories have contributed to the toxic interaction cycles in your relationships. Not only this, but they can also help to build empathy for what both you and your partner went through growing up that has contributed to your ills between each other can be central for recovering from these.
It’s Not Just Communication Skills!
Many couples come into my office and talk about how they just want to be able to improve their communication. This is definitely important to your recovery as a couple, but unless you each work to overcome your individual histories then all the communication skills in the world won’t do anything for you. Your work improving communication has a lot to do with being able to address your own individual history, as well as to respect and empathize with your partner’s. It’s within this context that communication skills work as a way to build more connection emotionally between the two of you.
How Do You Know If Your Individual Histories are a Problem?
Any couple who is experiencing some degree of relationship strife invariably has problems in their individual histories that have given rise to these. Even in seemingly “normal“ couples, there can be much individual history that has contributed to your conflicts. I specifically help my couples to address these as part of their recovery process and would be happy to give you a brief 20-minute interactive consultation to help you and your partner figure out if I can help you in your situation. Just call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation form above, or fill out an inquiry form below, and I will get back to you ASAP if you live in MD or VA so you can get a good idea about whether I would be a fit for your situation. Whatever you do, I do encourage you to not simply try to shut the door on the past, but to have an open mind about how it can be influencing you in your primary relationship today.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in overcoming your individual history.
About the author: Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland. He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas. He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.