Do you find yourself sometimes engaging in mind-reading with your spouse or relationship partner? Do you think you know what they’re feeling when they exhibit a particular expression, and tend to react because of your assumptions? If you do, then it would be good to read on.
Nonverbal Emotional Cues are Everywhere
We are always getting nonverbal cues from our partners, but how many of these actually are significant in any given situation? They can potentially be very important, but they are also easily misconstrued, especially if you and your partner struggle with verbal communication as well.
Nonverbal Cues and Mind-Reading
Many partners in relationships fall into the trap of trying to draw conclusions from nonverbal emotional cues in their partner without making any effort to check these out with them. This can lead to a tremendous amount of unnecessary upset and misunderstanding in your interactions with your partner. To assume what you have picked up from the nonverbal cues is true is simply another way of validating your own projections.
Partnered Relationships and Projection
We live in a time where one-to-one couple relationships have probably never been more important, simply because of how other relationships have tended to diminish in their significance in the last 5 to 10 years, if not longer. This puts more pressure on these relationships, and it can make for a very confusing experience unless you and your partner put a priority on strong communication skills. Even if you are one of the greatest communicators in the world, the tendency is to project your feelings, thoughts, etc., onto your partner unless you find a way to check those out with them.
Asking Questions About Your Assumptions
The most valuable way you can start to challenge your own projections and conclusions about your partner’s nonverbal cues is to simply ask if there’s anything wrong or something is bothering them. If you have a basically honest relationship with your partner, then they should give you a relatively straightforward answer. Once you find out what it is, then you can either realize that you were most likely wrong about your assumption, or that you actually were right in this instance about which you were thinking about them.
Curiosity and Compassion as Assets in Communicating
To be a healthy partner in your primary relationship, you need to be able to muster a healthy degree of compassion and curiosity about what your partner is experiencing. You may not innately feel compassionate and curious towards them, but to be able to find within you a degree of these two characteristics is important for your relationships going forward. Curiosity can come from asking the question that I was prompting you about above, and compassion can be part of a healthy dialogue if there are unpleasant feelings or judgments about you that they are experiencing.
What if You Continue to Struggle with Nonverbal Emotional Cues?
Communication is not easy in couples relationships, that’s for sure! It can seem very daunting to try to get to the bottom of what seems to be bothering your partner, and this may be bothering you a great deal. I’ve been helping my clients in their partnered relationships for my entire clinical career, and would be happy to schedule a free consultation where you can find out whether I could help you with your particular situation. I encourage you to call the number at the top of the page, click on the schedule consultation button above, or fill out an inquiry form below if you live in MD or VA and would be happy to talk to you on the phone or virtually along with your partner to help you get a better idea about whether I can help you in your situation or not. If your relationship is as important as most peoples’ are, you will hopefully take the steps to help improve it as soon as possible.
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in improving your couples communication.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW-C