Are you aware that you have expectations of your partner in your primary relationship? Do you wonder whether your standards for your partner or spouse in your relationship are too high?
If you answered yes to either of these questions, then you would do well to read this week's offering below.
Expectations and the Age of Dysregulation
Part of the problem we have these days is that people are walking around acting out a lot of emotional dysregulation in their relationships and with others. One of the big contributors to this dysregulation can be the expectations we have of others and of ourselves.
It’s often easier to have expectations of others because that takes the pressure off of us. The result is that a lot of anger and resentment can get stirred up, especially within your primary relationship.
It’s Pretty Normal to Have Expectations
We all have expectations of ourselves and others. The problem is that they can get used as fuel for anger, bitterness, resentment, and lead to contempt with your partner. The fact that no one can fully meet all of our expectations is most certainly true.
The problem is, how do we manage our expectations with our partners and spouses and keep them from ruining our relationships?
Fuel for Resentment and Contempt
If you tend to have quite a few expectations with your partner that have not been met, you may have a significant amount of resentment towards them.
When this doesn’t get resolved somehow, then it can lead to contempt. Contempt is something that's a corrosive element in relationships, and once things get to that point it can be very difficult to defuse.
Agreements Over Expectations
Partnered relationships operate on the principle of agreements, and these are best clarified between you and your partner before either of you are held to them.
They need to be discussed and agreed upon, and when you or your partner doesn’t meet them, then you are each accountable to the other for the consequences of that.
Accountability is meant to be devoid of blame, because blame tends to reinforce negative feelings that are largely due to family of origin trauma.
Communication is Key Here
When you communicate with your partner, focus on agreements, and what you both are each accountable for. Express your feelings cleanly and clearly without blame, and do ask for what you want when an agreement has been broken.
You may or may not get what you want, but you aren’t in control of how they respond. This is a much healthier place to come from than expectations and blame.
You will also both be less likely to misunderstand each other when you do have discussions that are about what you agree on, than whether one or the other of you is to blame for the other one's emotional condition or upsets.
This helps take undue emotional charge out of discussions, and put it more into simply a matter of managing agreements that helps move you in your relationship more into a state of regulation and away from dysregulation.
When to Seek Professional Help for Expectation Issues?
When either you or your partner can’t seem to shake expectations and the shame and/or blame that goes with them, then it’s probably a good thing to at least consider getting couples therapy.
It helps engage you in a process that can move you both away from expectations and resentment and towards connection, as well as more love and fulfillment in both of your lives.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you with managing expectations in your relationships.
