Do you and your partner often fight or argue about money? Do you often feel like you and your partner are miles apart on your mutual views of your financial situation? If you answered yes to either of these questions then please read on!
Finances in the Age of Dysregulation
There is perhaps no more volatile topic amongst couples these days than finances. At a time when so many households are strapped for cash and the tempers can so easily run high in our modern lives, is it any wonder that this is the case?
Arguing About Money is an Age-Old Problem
To the extent that money has to do with power and influence in a relationship, as well as values, it is something that has been at least an overt reason for couples arguing and fighting.
Considering the last 50 to 75 years has seen a marked change in the ability of both spouses to earn money in the workplace, this has also brought its share of difficulties in figuring out how to handle money issues in a relationship.
It’s Not Just About the Money…
So many disagreements amongst couples that center around money have to deal with so much more than that. They have to do with the inherited attitudes from each partner's family of origin as much or more than anything else. Embedded in these attitudes are values that each partner developed while growing up in their families.
Sometimes these values within one family growing up are contradictory, and may make people feel torn about their relationship with money. When this comes up in a discussion with a partner, it’s no wonder that there’s so much conflict not only between the partners themselves that’s potentially going to happen, but it can also create a lot of inner strife within each partner as well.
So How Do You Get Agreement With Each Other?
One place to start is to talk about what money symbolizes to each of you. If you take the time to talk about this, then you can probably find the values that people place on money and finances.
Some of this can be done in a recurring finances meeting that you have with a spouse. These can be very important discussions and can focus on regular family budgeting considerations, as well as the deeper discussions about what money represents to each of you.
It Comes Down to Accountability
If you and your partner talk regularly about money, then you can hopefully find some agreement on your spending and saving decisions within the relationship. Those agreements then become the basis for establishing accountability between the two of you so that your agreed-upon plans and decisions don’t go off the rails.
If one of you is violating one of those agreements, then lovingly holding your partner accountable without getting into the ‘blame game’ is probably a lot more likely to be a positive discussion than not.
When to Get Professional Help for Your Money Struggles
Sometimes couples need to get a financial advisor to help them to plan for the future, as well as to manage investments. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Getting professional couples counseling help when you and your partner are continually butting heads over money can be a good idea due to the fact that these arguments have a much deeper emotional element involved in them.
Modern neuroscience has found we are feeling beings first, and thinking beings second. Handling the emotional part of your struggles is an important way to improve your level of agreement when money is involved to have a better and brighter future together.
Written by Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW – C
Visit our page on couples therapy to find out how Scott can help you in handling money discussions.
