Do you enter the holiday season with a sense of dread?  Do you wonder what all the hubbub is about with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years? Do you feel like you missed the boat when everyone else seems to be having such a good time and you feel like you’re on the outside looking in?  That happens to be what most people go through, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get the most out of the holidays.

Most People Struggle with Gratitude

It isn’t just you.  Most people walk around thinking that they somehow got the short end of the stick.  They look at others with better cars, better clothes, more friends and family in their lives and feel a sense of lack, or even worse a sense of unfairness at how others are better off than they are.  That is especially true in a society like here in the US where there is such a discrepancy between the haves and the have-nots.  The disparity between the richest and the poorest in our country is greater now than at any time since the Great Depression almost 100 years ago.  

What Makes Gratitude So Elusive

It isn’t that we don’t have reason to feel grateful, we most often just aren’t focused on what it is that we can feel grateful for.  This is particularly true if we are struggling to make ends meet, but it can also be true if we have great wealth and prosperity.  Studies have shown that people who are happy with their level of income fall in a relatively narrow range compared to those at the bottom of the income ladder and those at the top.  Starting at about $75,000 per year and going up to a little over $100,000 is where most people are happiest at.  Over that and under that tends to leave feeling dissatisfied with what they have.  It may seem obvious if you are under that amount, but the uber-rich tend to get lost in accumulating wealth and use that as another form of hoarding.  They wind up equally ungrateful, as it turns out.

The 5 Keys to Gratitude

What I’ve realized in my reflections on the subject of gratitude is that it’s not about what you have, but more about how you look at it.  The essential ingredients of gratitude in my assessment are:

1. A sense of relief from being spared an unfortunate fate, or feeling fortunate to have come into some unexpected bounty.

2. Not being caught up in expectation about what you ‘should’ have received.

3. Being able to reflect on what you have and not having to be told what you ‘should’ feel grateful for.

4. Having some connection to others that allows others to join you in either appreciating what you have or helps you be more aware of what it is you can be grateful for.

5. Being able to share what you have with others.

That’s basically it.  Gratitude is actually quite simple, but it relies on choice to activate it.  You may or may not feel grateful, but that’s beside the point.  It’s primarily about recognition and paying attention to little things that allow you to get a sense of being cared for provided for by some force greater than yourself.  

What If You Struggle with Gratitude

Like I mentioned at the start of this week’s blog, feeling grateful doesn’t come naturally to most people.  That doesn’t mean that you should feel content to not have a sense of gratitude in your life.  I’ve been helping people with gratitude my entire social work career and would be happy to talk to you about how I can possibly help you as well.  For most people it’s about dealing with all the stuff that gets in the way of feeling gratitude:  depression, anxiety, trauma, addictions, etc.  I spend a lot of my time helping people wade through all of this, so feel free to call the number at the top of the page or fill out the inquiry form below if you live in Maryland or Texas and I will get back to you to schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation if you like.  That way you can get a better sense of whether I can help you or not.  In any case, I hope you will find things you can be grateful for this holiday season.  I wish you the best in finding what you are looking for!

Visit our page on depression therapy to find out how Scott can help you with gratitude.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.