If you’ve ever been a victim of abuse by a loved one, you may feel unable to break away from this individual. You may even try to tell yourself that you’re not being abused, or that it’s not even that bad. Regardless, you would do well to read this week's blog on the topic. 

Trauma Bonds Are Very Common

There are so many people that have experienced trauma in recent decades, that it boggles the mind to try to comprehend the breath and the depth of all of it. Dysfunctional and abusive intergenerational family patterns have come to be more of the rule than the exception. So if you have grown up in an abusive or dysfunctional family, you are predisposed to experiencing trauma bonds. Oftentimes we wind up developing close, intimate relationships with individuals who mimic the behaviors and characteristics of one or both of our primary caregivers. It’s these such relationships that are most prone to perpetuating the cycle of abuse and dysfunction. We may overtly try our best to escape from.

Trauma Bonds Happen When You Can’t Escape From An Abusive Loved One

Relationships that wind up becoming abusive often start with many feelings of warmth, love, and affection. Sometimes we fall in love with people who eventually wind up becoming seriously abusive and destructive. Often these individuals have addiction issues, but other times they simply have issues with rage that also could be considered addictive in some respects. You may have heard this loved one repeatedly talk about how they will change or regret their behavior towards you at some times, but despite all of these assurances things don't change over an extended period. When they don’t and you can’t leave the relationship, then you are truly caught in a trauma bond.

Here Are the Signs You Are Caught in a Trauma Bond: 

1. You can’t leave an abusive partner or a loved one, despite knowing that you shouldn’t stay with them.

2. You hear all kinds of input from friends and/or concerned family members about how you “should“ leave your partner. It’s almost as if there’s a chorus that’s happening with your friends and family. 

3. You often deny the problem, or that it’s as bad as it is, despite evidence to the contrary. You may also feel like you need to stay with your partner to somehow protect or save them when you yourself are in as much or more danger than they are.

What To Do if You Realize You Truly are Caught in a Trauma Bond

You first need to acknowledge that you are caught and are unable to escape from this abusive cycle that you’re caught in with the partner or loved one. Once you do, then it is imperative that you reach out for some kind of support from a trusted friend, family member, clergy member, therapist, or nonprofit organization that’s devoted to protecting victims of abuse and neglect. You may need to immediately flee from the situation, due to physical, emotional, or mental danger to yourself, although you aren’t likely to do this of your own accord. Love may conquer all in the movies, but that isn’t real life.

When to Seek Professional Help in Getting Out of a Trauma Bond

Anytime is a good time to seek professional help in escaping and recovering from a trauma bond. You’ve probably needed some degree of professional help for some time, but the obvious source of the problem is the partner. Having a trusted therapist or support group to help you to address your own traumatic issues is key to recovery from trauma bonds. Although the obvious focus would be on the partner you're trying to get away from, the more you can keep the focus on yourself and what you need to do to get healthy and well, the better the prospect for your eventual recovery. I’ve been helping my clients recover from trauma and the effects of trauma for my entire social work career, and I would be happy to talk to you about how you might be able to recover from a trauma bond relationship. Feel free to call the number at the top of the page, or fill out an inquiry form below to contact me and get a free 20 minute phone consult in order to find out how I might be able to help you in your situation. I work with clients that live in Maryland and Texas, and encourage you in taking the next best right step for you, your sanity and safety, and the well-being of those who depend on you.

Visit our page on trauma therapy to find out more about how Scott can help you with trauma bonds.

About the author:  Scott Kampschaefer, LCSW is a private practice therapist in Frederick, Maryland.  He has an extensive background in working with depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder at a clinic for older adults with these disorders in Austin, Texas.  He now works with adults and adolescents 14 and up in private practice. His most recent book is titled The 5 Pillars of Addiction Recovery and is available for purchase on Amazon and in paperback on this website.